I have been thinking about the spiritual changes I have undergone in 2008, but admittedly, I am in a frame of mind too close to the subject to adequately transform incoherent experiences (stories) into a coherent narrative.  This past year, I have felt suspended in an uncertain state between peace and confusion, and often find myself unable to answer the questions as to why I underwent those changes.

In Summer

1997-2003

My childhood fascination with magic drew me to happen upon articles about Wicca on the Internet.  My memory is hazy at this point, but I remember writing spells and then later, performing a self-dedication ritual.  New Age stores began opening up around my neighbourhood and I invested some pocket money in 1998 for a thick book on various forms of fortune-telling, including tarot, runes, palmistry, and graphology.  I began seriously learning about Wicca through the books of Australian author and musician, Fiona Horne, although that was also greatly supplemented by the popular websites available at the time.  I purchased my first athame in 2000 and expected the results to be significant in my magic, but ended up being largely unsure what to do with it.  It was shelved after gathering dust on my altar.  In 2001, I began working at a local New Age store and had even greater access to tools and books.  Having an income for the first time also meant I had greater freedom to seek out events in he greater Pagan community.  I attended the Magick Happens festival in 2001 and 2002, including several workshops ran there, including one memorable one on Tibetan magic and an extremely crappy one run by an Alexandrian High Priestess on creating spell bags.

It is probably also worth mentioning that I made my interest in magic and witchcraft known from the onset and after I began identifying myself as Wiccan, openly shared the fact with my family, friends, classmates and teachers.  I remember making some comments that people’s impressions of me changed after they understood I was Wiccan, but I cannot recall a single event where I was persecuted.  Rather, a lot of people surprised me in how tolerant and genuinely interested and supportive they were of my practice.

I met a girl my age who was also a practising Wiccan although she was still ‘in the broom closet’ from her more conservative (Muslim) family.  We started sharing books and web resources and then sometime in 2001-02, founded a coven together.  Beyond designing it a beautiful website on which I posted my spells, we did not take it much further, largely due to our inability to commit much time to the venture (we were both 16 yo girls who still had to ask permission from parents to go out on the weekends) and our initial ventures were marked by foolish attempts to connect intellectually with fellow adolescent magicians and witches.  I remember one case where a 17 yo boy contacted us and suggested that he was interested in participating in our coven events, only to then insult us for replying to an email of his two days after he sent it as he expected all magical organisations to be prompt with their responses.  He also resisted the term “witch” and insisted that we refer to him as a “majikcian” (yes, with that spelling).  Ladies and Gentlemen, this was indeed the first ‘majickian’ I have had the pleasure of meeting.

2005-2007

The more education I underwent, the more Paganism felt wanting.  I am just stating a correlation here, not downright writing off that the prerequesite of Paganism is a lack of education.  There seemed to be little room in the Pagan community for scepticism and level-headedness.  Constantly seeing new Wiccans and Pagans crop up and validating their path with stories of their supposed paranormal talents repeatedly confirm this.  The romance of Paganism was wearing off for me.  While by day, I read books, observed the Sabbats, and did spells, my motivation came from a powerfully romantic inclination.  That is, the illusion (delusion?) that with every wave of my athame, I was a weaving myself into a beautiful tapestry of long-lost mystery traditions where men and women were equal under the eyes of the God and Goddess.  With every shake of the besom, I would be closer to a lifestyle of perpetual celebration (“Oh look!  A tree, let’s dance and praise the Lady and Lord!”), self-empowerment, and spiritual bliss.

2008-Present

I am not at all convinced that there is anything wrong with Paganism.  There are Wiccans and Pagans out there who not only do not perpetuate the romantic delusions of witchcraft, but actively dispel those myths, so that Wicca and Paganism can progress into the future on a foundation of truth.  Nevertheless, I received those romantic ideals and subsequently had my lofty expectations shattered.  I accept full responsibility for that.  After all, I chose to read simplistic books for many, many years that further accentuated the sense of romance in witchcraft before I thought to myself, “What do the critics of Wicca and Paganism say?”, “Are the legends of an ancient matriarchal tradition true?”

I think this kind of tendency to avoid critical examination can be observed in people of every religious path, career choice and life decision.  But the higher we allow ourselves to drift into a fantasy, the harder we will fall.  And I fell pretty damn hard.

This is where it becomes rather impossible for me to reflect because it is very much still a work-in-progress.  At some point in my disenchantment with witchcraft, I discovered a group of magicians who practice magic separate from a shared, overarching religion, and it was encouraged by their ways, that magic for the first time in my life, felt right.  I was no longer purchasing herbs and oils because some book said so, but doing magic when and how it felt good to do so.  I have subsequently, met Wiccans who also believe whole-heartedly in this philosophy, yet somehow, I feel as though the Pagan ship has sailed for me.